(If you have it listen to Brian Eno's "Julie With..." right now!
To begin with I am in Brighton and the sea is bigger than us. Like the thoughts I am desperate to escape, it doesn't stop. It seemed to be everything when looking out at it at that moment in time.
That was the world and we are its disease. Nothing on the horizon. A never ending deep blue meets a never ending deep blue. That nothingness is what I desire. I want to throw my self into its center. Nothing in front. Nothing behind. Nothing to the left. Nothing to the right.
It seems that I would be able to find complete isolation there. Amongst the roughness of the sea I would be able to find a calmness, my peace. One blissful moment of clarity. In reality I would struggle against current and the waves. I don't run anymore. I face everything. A challenge is always a success, even when I fail. I am always reminded of my failures whenever I succeed. It is a tide. It is a battle against the current. But success is not important, survival is. Despite your insides being in bits, your face no longer cracks, it doesn't let on, and at the end the experience has strengthened you, you are alive. I lie on my back, floating, drifting, thinking of not too much, looking towards the sky, and spitting out the occasional mouthful of water. It is here, where there is nothing, do I realise that nothing matters, nothing but this. Moments, experience and tide. The sea gently rocking my body and carrying me into forever.
I am baptised. All is forgiven. I am new.
It is here where I can truly forget everything. The water washes over me and takes that torment to the shore. It is here I am free. It is here that I can finally forget. It is here where my life is washed away. Nothing else exists. Just me and the flowing sea. There is no love, no money, no hate, no fear, no sex, no desire, no time, only space. There is no longer anything that can torment. The world has disappeared, there is no life, just me the eternal sea and the eternal skies.
But the sea is alive, beneath me a different world grows, develops, and continues towards its destiny, towards extinction. There is nothing but fear. I am never truly alone. On the sea I struggle with violent determination, the rough current my battle ground, my lungs will fill with water, and my body washed up on the shore, back with everyone else. There they will either resurrect me or bury me.
It seemed more appealing to drown in the sea than to drown on the land.
To drown at sea would be to run.
As I look to the horizon, none of that matters.
I wake up every morning full of fatigue. Everyday is a challenge.
I force myself out of bed - it is easier to stay afloat when moving than than it is when I am standing still - I live.
I look out to the sea and I crave it's isolation.
To be truly alone.
We eat Mexican food. It is real nice.