When optimism and fear collide you enter into a very messy situation. I got that first I was working so hard to achieve. I was filled with every single emotion. I am an emotional time bomb in such situations. And for the first time in my life, I did it for myself. Granted there were certain people around me that I was trying to impress, but I earned that grade for myself. I now have gained +10 self belief. Great. Here comes the fear bit. I have a years worth of void to fill, I plan to do this positively with jobs, self initiated work, night classes and a goal of getting something published in a magazine. It will be done.
I have said goodbye to the first city I ever loved, I have said goodbye to an environment that felt more like home than my home. I have found a new piece of who I am, a person I am more secure in and people that were willing to embrace me (that was a great embrace by the way!) There has been drama, things I haven't yet wrote about, mostly surrounding the houses I have lived in. I hated the anxiety such events caused, I yearned for a moment of peace, a moment where everyone could simultaneously be content with life, a moment where insecurity was thrown out and it was believed when words of encouragement were flying around us. Now, I will have to rely on Eastenders for my drama. Old habits die hard...(TV is bound to come back into my life, I may take up bbc4 and box sets. Any recommendations?) And then there are the people. Many people that I am sure I will see again, many that I probably won't. Then there are the other people. The people who I don't necessarily want to see again but will have to, and those fantastic people I have met and fell in love with and will never again see. It is the latter I shed a tear for more than anyone or anything else. Everything else will be filled with new experiences, adventure, meeting up in old haunts, finding new places, seeing new sights, arms slung open wide to the world, acceptance and a great embrace to all that it has to throw at me. Then a tear for all it has taken away. These holes will not be filled, the best I can hope for there are chance encounters, a vague hope that these amazing people wish to stay in contact with me, and an extra yearning for success at something. Success with out selling out (said with all the naivety of a fresh graduate!) and a moment of pride from such people as the words fall through their lips, "I know her. I must get in touch."
Good bye Manchester and all my favorite people.
And Thank you to everyone who made life there good.
You know who you are...