2 Songs That Make You Say Yeah By.... The Sonics and Ssion

Here are the wonderful Sonics... Psycho!

This is how I feel (and unfortunately look) sometimes....

Yes folks that was Ssion with Dayjob. Check them out on spotify, they sound completely different. DIY electro with a punky edge. Makes you want to dance!

Do Nothing...

On Saturday evening I went to watch Simon Amstel's "Do Nothing" tour at the Lowery, Salford.
Now I want to be his friend.

He is a very intelligent and funny man. His comedy was humorous, honest and extremely philosophical. You don't come across this in comedy too often. I went to see Russell Brand's "Scandalous" tour earlier in the year (which was insanely funny, buy the dvd!) who is similar in many ways regarding honesty, philosophy, sexuality. But I felt more of a vulnerability from Amstel. Brand is out there, over the top, sure of himself. Amstel is more of a shy, considered character. I was able to see a lot of my own character within him, which instantly made me connect with him, relate to some of his stories, willing to take on his ideas, his message "Do Nothing."
He thinks and considers things regarding overcoming the 'self' and living in the moment (as oppose to the past and future). He seems to be of the slightly obsessive personality type (projecting a series of qualities on to a person who he barely knows and falling in love with that character). He is awkward in social situations (all of which is sounding familiar). He want's to know how he an overcome all this.

"Let's run down the champs elyees to the Arch de Triumph," One of his friends called whilst drunk in Paris. It was 3 in the morning, the roads were clear, she was living in the moment. "All I could think at that point was, well it'll probably make a good memory,"

Simon's message that evening was disguised within his humor, I took it on board as an enlightening talk (as opposed to a stand up) knowing that I, like Simon, will probably be unable to over come the self, and live in the moment. A lot of people left discussing his sexuality, which he was in no way shy about, why should he be? yet people seemed to be taking this away as the main issue raised - again similar to Ol' Russ' stand up. (Both Brand and Amstel do kind of make this point though - Tragedy + Time = humor.) There are always going to be people that find tales of sex slightly uncomfortable and controversial. Even though the message was disguised, it was still out there, and I would suspect that when Simon's sexuality became a tired point of conversation, people began to discuss the philosophy behind his show. Not in depth, I hazzard a guess that conversations did not extend to the Plato/Socrates denial of the material world.

What I took away with me was a flicker of inspiration, a sort of inward confidence that I was to go away and start living in the now, not the past, not the future. I was going to go away and live exactly as I pleased because none of this is real, it is only moment and once that moment has passed in will cease to exist, so grab it. Grab it regardless of consequence. Let go of all moments past that cause embarrassment, or hurt, that cause you to throw your hand to your face and cry 'why did I do/say that?' - of which I have many. YES SIMON YES I AM GOING TO LIVE, IN FACT LETS BE FRIENDS AND WE'LL BOTH LIVE. I was absolutely elated! I was going to learn acceptance...

"I was in a cab and I was complaining about a bill, it was outrageous, but I couldn't do anything about, so I asked the cab driver, what on earth should I do about it, to which he replied, "Do Nothing," and he was right. He had summed everything up. Acceptance. I need to just accept that it has happened and it is there."

So embracing this new found spirit, I decided to take Simon up on his open invite to Big Hands (a great bar with a killer juke box on Oxford Road) and I would become his friend. We would discuss the 'self' in depth and get on super great. But, I didn't go. I failed to follow Simon's advise and live in that moment. I also failed on another level because as I was considering going I thought "That would make such a great memory." God damn my ability to take advantage of moments, rather than consider taking advantage of a moment and allowing anxiety to take over... or afterwards thinking "You should have just said/done..." Maybe this is why we drink and drug. Let go of inhibitions, just be in a moment (and then forget it!) Not that I am condoning losing control or the behavior it results in.

Simon gave a great show, that was incredibly funny and immensely deep.

There is also a great song by The Specials called do nothing.

In other news the Manchester Literature festival is in full spring.
Checkout this blog for reviews www.manchesterliterature.blogspot.com
Lookout for my review on Jenny Uglow's talk entitled "Words and Pictures".
Will be posting more next weekend

The Man With Beautiful Eyes...

Here is a beautiful hypnotic little animation of Charles Bukowski's "The Man With Beautiful Eyes". I just had to share it.

Stumble Upon "Start Writing Fiction"/The Fear...

If someone types a blog and no one is around to see it, does the blog exist?

I'm going to come clean with whoever, if anyone, is reading this. If this is a personal blog then let's get personal. Why not? I have a tendency to cover my reality under a facade of fiction, meaning , however abstracted or embellished, generally my fiction is the way I am feeling. I just can't express it any other way. I know I am not very articulate, my tongue is clumsy, it has a slight lisp and it doesn't appreciate the difference between 'th' and 'f' it is occasionally lazy and cannot be bothered pronouncing 'r' ('w') or 't'. My mind clearly suffers some kind of embarrassment and decides to turn away from the situation leaving me lost for words, even dumbfounded. In conversation, I am not articulate. But when I write, my mind is there. It is my body that switches, it goes into autopilot, lets my mind take over. Free flow. A lot of the time I cannot remember what I wrote until I reread it. And despite the occasional grammar mishap, or the fact that most of the time I cannot spell, which I can only put down to a possible tendency towards dyslexia, it does flow quite well. Generally negative emotion is translated into a form of expression, but sometimes you feel so down that it is difficult to persuade the self into any form of action, or expression. It becomes a silent scream, which I then swallow, down to my stomach where it turns to sick. Now I am going to spit it out. I am going to stand on the top of a mountain and spew, and scream. I'm gonna write it on here. Honestly. How it is.

I have not been having the best of times lately. Some people leave university ready for the world, ready for the rest of their lives, keen and eager. Eyes wide open, full of naivety and arrogance. Others are ripped from it's womb kicking and screaming and absolutely terrified. I am the latter. I suffer from a loss of perspective, the long term caused by irreplaceable feelings of loss, loss of friendship, of community, of appreciation, of home. In the long term, there is a future, it is, much like the Orange slogan, bright. There is plenty to look forward to but it is too far away and it is covered by a blanket of day in day out minimum wage, loneliness, and time. It is important after university to recover, mentally, emotionally and financially. Unfortunately, there is no greater medicine than time. Time cures everything, sickness, loss, love, lust, anxiety, fear, and inevitably life itself. Like most medicines, time has side effects. Time's is itself. It requires patience. It requires that you wait and wait and wait, a process which can drive you crazy.

So here I am. Waiting.

Tonight, I sat at my desk, (situated all too uncomfortably with in a built in wardrobe) back turned to the the world, desperate to escape. They found water on the moon. Could it be a chance to escape the insanity of humanity? Start again. Imagine that. Alone. Give the mind infinite space. None of the noise that comes with life on Earth, consumption, manipulation, war, celebrity, emotional relationships, mortgages, poverty, illness, medicine, overpopulation, morality, politics, social status, physical relationships, wealth, global warming, culture, slavery, survival, violence, law, ownership, enter other noises here.................................................... It is endless. Then to be sat there, alone in your own kingdom, on your own world surrounded by silence, you would turn your face back to that little planet you used to call home and it would send you crazy. You would miss the noise. You would crave it. You would become jealous of that planet and all it's noise. All it's problems. All it's frailty. You would want it back. So you would either leave, or transform the moon until it was in the same condition, if not worse. You would use up all it's resources (cheese) and destroy it. No matter how many light years away you travel, it will still be there, there is no starting again, only continuation, self development, self help. Life is a struggle on every level, emotional, physical, mental, survival. It is a challenge, and nobody knows if it's rewards are worth it, but we still carry on, like salmon in the current of a gushing stream. And we struggle, and we wait it out. Wait and wait and wait.

I am waiting.


Something will happen eventually. I was thinking of this, wondering whether my patience would pay off. Whether all the things I have been looking into will bear fruitful. I have been fearing the seeds of my future. I have been craving significance. I was wanting someone to pat me on the back once again and say actually, you are quite good at this, at something, at anything. This was a confidence boost after many years of generally being told I wasn't. So I guess I was missing the attention, I guess this is attention seeking. Maybe it is, but it is also therapeutic, my tears are dry. Whether anyone reads it or not. I'd rather not. It's quite embarrassing to show yourself naked to the world, that is why we wear clothes (or are clothing the cause of the embarrassment?). I have journal's where this type of stuff gets written then closed, or developed, or mutates into a new form of expression. So why type it on my blog?

Hurricane Katrina

I have been wanting to be a superhero of late. I have heard from distant friends who are unhappy, or have experienced something terrible, and been desperate to step in. To save them. Like a parent. But I am too far away. So this, in a way, is my first attempt at a superhero act. So they all know that they are not alone. That I often think of them. Then to anyone else who can relate to this, you don't have to be a graduate, you could just be terrified about the future (who isn't?) Everyone gets scared. Everyone has a facade. Some are easier to see through than others. There was one person who I thought had no facade, I found out just how thickly it was plastered over herself when I witnessed it crack, sat next to a pool of her blood. Some people will never allow themselves to be read. Some people will lead you on. Some people will touch you. Some people will turn their backs. Some people will embrace you. Some times, there isn't anyone but yourself that can save you. All that you can do is wait and hope that time turns fear into excitement. Change is inevitable. All ends start again.


I was looking at my computer, twitter lit up my room. A brief glimpse at my friends. They all continue to live, to have lives, are surviving. We continue to live separately. A tear began to roll. All I could think was "What the hell am I doing? What am I going to do? Is this it? Is this life? Is this living? Is this my life now? What happened? What am I going to do?" I reached to my mouse to search for a distraction. I hit the 'Stumble Upon' button on my screen. Stumble upon is a tool bar which randomly materializes a decent website based on your interests - it is perfect for procrastination, boredom, and distraction. It randomly generated a writing page. It's title screamed at me "START WRITING FICTION". My lips curled into a smile. And that's really the reason why I stated writing all this. I just wanted to tell you about how I hit the stumble upon button and it told me to start writing fiction. I wanted to share that small moment with you. How everything else came to be in this post I have no idea. I guess I just had a lot to get off my chest.

But that's enough about me.

I apologise to any soon to be graduates that I may have just terrified. It's not all doom and gloom. Make the most of the moment you are in. Worry about the rest later...

This post is dedicated to everyone who was Design and Art Direction class of 09. The final year of DandAD, of Undercroft.

Soviet Space Exploration...

This is what I am into at the moment. Isolation. Freedom. Fear. Loneliness. Survival. Pressing buttons. Escapism. Tin cans. White Noise. Gamma Rays. New worlds. Exploration of space/self/mind. Silent sigh. If you scream in the middle of space and no one is around to hear you, do you make a noise? R.I.P Laika.

A New Design For Life.../Advanced Physics A la Mandi...

"The Tralfamadorians had no voice boxes. They communicated telepathically. They were able to talk to Billy by means of a computer and sort of electric organ which made every Earthling speech sound.
'Welcome aboard, Mr. Pilgrim,' Said the loud speaker. 'Any questions?'
Billy licked his lips, thought a while, inquired at last: 'Why me?'
'That is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?'
'Yes' Billy in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.
'Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrm, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why.'"
"'How is the patient?' he asked Derby.
'Dead to the world.'
'But not actually dead.'
'How nice - to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.'"

-Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse 5.

What if life was ordered differently? Non-linear. We are currently free to move around in space but not time (space-time) what if we were able to move freely through time, not space (time-space) in a 4th dimension. What if we were time travelers?
Time would be circular, us at a point in the middle. The circle would then move around us, sporadically intersecting with us, at the central point. Would we never know or always know what is next? Would we mourn losses, or just wait for moments to reoccur? Would we live forever in a circular patch of time? Would we remember birth? Would moments become re-visitable? Would cause-effect/chaos theory become none existent? (Do we not need chaos theory in order to propel life in the first place?) Would a linear life (space-time) have to precede the circular life? Could circular life exist in Death?
Is time-space incomprehensible? Probably not. Space-time is reality, us free to move around, make choices but have absolutely control over time. No ability to stop it, to accelerate it, to fast forward it. Then time-space could in fact be none reality. Freedom to move time, but absolutely no control over the space we live in. Could time-space already be possible? Is time-space our memory, our mind?

If you can answer all these questions you have probably mastered time travel.
But what would happen if time travel were possible, there would be no such thing as the present or a future, just a past. I have mentioned this in a past post about time travel, if it were possible would you change anything. I wouldn't. Despite the crap that one goes through at some stage. I would enter into my past in a passive state. All the missed opportunities, all the sorrow, and bone idol activities I would witness and placidly and accept knowing that because of these moments I would not be who I am, would not think how I think, would not have met those I know. I would go back to re-experience. To see the faces I miss. Billy Pilgrim (Slaughterhouse 5) had many opportunity to avoid his personal fate and the fate of others, he changes nothing. He relives experiences.

A new theory for time travel/eternal life.
I know little to nothing of physics beyond GCSE. I can successfully explain the red shift theory, I can wire a plug, and I can name all the planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune... Pluto isn't a planet!) I am not going to pretend that I understand the mind boggling intensity that goes into putting real theories together. Nor the maths. But I can sort of draw a diagram...

Very basic idea. Perhaps circles can screw and change shape to intersect with other lives. At the beginning of 3rd (this time last year) we were set a mini brief entitled "Intersections", this is as much insight as we got into the brief. I produced some animations which I didn't show to anyone, but I wish I would have thought up this bad boy! An intersecting design for life!
Revisit... 2hours later.
I have been thinking about this. What would be the point in time travel if you didn't change anything. Mix things up a bit. To end life with a series of possible ends, choosing the life in which you felt most fulfilled. Living multiple lives. I was bought up on a firm set of catholic beliefs though all the male figures in my life were pretty much agnostic/atheists which lead to much confusion. When I gave up on religion in my teens, I spent a lot of time with my Grandad on a Sunday evening whilst my mother and nan were at church, discussing at great depth religious philosophy or the Rolf Harris Art show that was invariably on TV. These moments I cherished in his death. A moment of privacy inside each others thoughts that was shared with no one else. It also lead to more confusion and ultimate sorrow when, in his final months, he took his first holy communion and gave into God... When I was much younger, maybe 10 or 11, and growing out of the idea of heaven and hell, I began questioning the after life. What is there? I experimented with numerous possibilities, paranormal ghosts and ghouls, reincarnation, nothingness and so on. My favourite possibility from that time being that when we die, we simply travel back to our own birth and live life again. We go on to live out every single possibility, every path, every destination to which our lives could lead. This would be infinite of course and there would be no death. It would also include living as a boy, as a different race, as a rich man, as a poor man, as a genius, as a chav and so on. It would be interesting to reach an end and view all the different lives you would have lead, a sort of possibility tree, to decide on the most fulfilling branch. To look at all the people you have met, to out that meeting some of them was in fact always destined no matter where your life fell. Yes I would absolutely tinker selfishly with the past. To take risks knowing that failure would be a mere twig on the possibility tree of life. Maybe this is a view we should take into life anyway. Every mistake we make in life, and even life itself is nothing but a blink from time's eyelid, so why not take a few chances, live a little, mix it up a bit.

The inside of Battersea Power station.